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Sleeping Like Shit This Week? Us, Too. Here’s How to Get Back on Track

GREETINGS from our post-Daylight Saving-shift selves. Our brains feel pickled. Our eyelids, droopy. 

We’re sluggish, sleep-disoriented, and rolling up our sleeves to bully some trains because (ICYMI) we just learned that we don’t set our clocks back and forward in the United States out of, say, respect for Ma Nature or something. Instead, “time zones were introduced by the major railroad companies in 1883,” explains the Bureau of Transportation, “to resolve confusion and avoid train crashes caused by different local times”; It was “initially introduced by Germany during [WWII] to conserve fuel and power by extending daylight hours, [and] the United States soon followed suit.” 

All of that sounds really important. But why are we still getting an ass whooping from Father Time in 2021? We have holograms and 3-D printing. These days, sleep specialists agree that Daylight Saving Time officially sucks. This is not Thomas the Tank Engine on Ice. This is our life. 

We have two choices here: pen cranky letters to Amtrak, or invest in some sleep-inducing (and improving) goods to help us reclaim the energy Daylight Savings has so stealthily milked from our bones in the night. We’ve got high-design sleep pillows, melatonin, weighted blankets, and more treasures that, in combo with a few baby sensory fruit videos, will hopefully revive us. 


A crawl-back-the-womb pillow

We already included this body/world/brain dissociating pillow in our article on how to power nap like a pro, and it’s getting an encore because we can also wear it whilst banging our heads against the wall. 

Original Napping Pillow, $99 at Ostrichpillow

The euphoric nightcap

Kin Euphorics makes some of our favorite non-alcoholic spirits, and their Dream Light beverage is the kind of ethereal, pre-sleep beverage we’ve been dreaming of during REM. It’s made with reishi mushrooms, “oak, clove, ginger, cinnamon, and chili [to] support digestion and balance the palette,” plus a fairy dusting (.25 milligram) of melatonin. Perfect for serving pre-The Dark Crystal viewing.

Dream Light, $39 at Kin Euphorics 

Sink beneath a weighted blanket

We want to feel like we’re being sat on by a happy elephant seal on a light, misty morning off the California coast. The next best thing is a 20-pound weighted blanket that’s the perfect shade of grey for “spill on me, drool on me, it’ll be fine.” This whopper is a queen size for just over 50 bucks (a solid deal, when most go for over 100).

ZonLi Adults Weighted Blanket, 20 pound, $54.99 at Amazon

Shield thine eyes and curse everyone else’s

Sure, you could go for an emerald, mulberry silk mask from Brooklinen. Or you could make sure your partner/cat/resident poltergeist gets to make eye contact with Shrek every time you pass out. 

Shrek Sleep Mask, $9.89 at Etsy

Jack up your melatonin 

We used to think melatonin was a hippie snake oil, placebo effect pill for passing out, but your body really does produce melatonin a few hours before bed, says Johns Hopkins sleep expert Luis F. Buenaver, Ph.D., in order to get you ready for slumber. “Less is more,” he says, “Take 1 to 3 milligrams two hours before bedtime” and if it doesn’t work after one or two nights, move on to the next sleep-inducing drug or something.  

Natrol Melatonin, $8.01 at Amazon

Tune everything out

Because we really don’t want to hear our neighbor’s distant Pornhub or the screams of the backyard cats today. This giant AirPod is basically a sound machine (with over 60 sounds, from Animal Kingdom to White Noise) and an air purifier.

Serene Evolution 60 Sound Machine, $79.99 $49.99 at Wayfair

Upgrade your sheets for the changing seasons

This one was on our to-do list anyways. Parachute makes 100-percent Turkish cotton cloud bedding for your pleasure, with a slight textured finish that makes us feel fresher mid-night sweat, and like we suddenly have memories of summers spent at Cinque Terre.

Cloud Cotton Duvet Cover Set, $259 at Parachute

Happy slumbers, and see you when we Fall Back. Le sigh. 


Your faithful VICE editors independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. We may receive a small commission if you buy through the links on our site.

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